Obama Punks Nation
WASHINGTON (AP) – In a move that political analysts are calling a “bold, innovative approach to economic policy” and Nobel Prize-winning economist Paul Krugman has declared “the shiznit,” President Obama hopped out of a tinted van early this morning and ran up to a panicked nation in its driveway, laughing.
“I got you!” the madly grinning Chief Executive chortled, “I so got you! You should see your face right now!” Actor/model and celebrity pundit Ashton Kutcher ambled up behind the still guffawing President and slapped him heartily on the shoulder and grinned, “Awesome, bro, awesome!”
Over the past six months, the President has engaged in a seeming non-stop campaign of speeches and press releases, nearly all of which had categorized the economic status of the nation as somewhere between “Absolutely terrible” and “Apocalyptic.”
In a now notorious statement in mid-February, the President said the country is in “full-blown crisis” and continued by saying, “My administration inherited a deficit of over $1 trillion, but because we also inherited the most profound economic emergency since the Great Depression, doing little or nothing at all will result in even greater deficits, even greater job loss, even greater loss of income, and even greater loss of confidence.”
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi appeared engaged in a game of one-upsmanship when she countered with the repeated claim that 500 million Americans would lose their jobs “every month” if nothing was done. Undocumented statistics on some extreme rightwing conservative blogs place the U.S. population at slightly over 300 million people.
The President then warned that inaction would turn the “crisis” into a “catastrophe.” Since that point, the stock market has lost several thousand points, decimating savings and retirement plans, crippling the credit market and prompting widespread panic and worldwide fears of a global economic meltdown. At the urging of the President and fearing even worse economic devastation, Congress quickly acted, borrowing over a trillion dollars from the nation’s taxpayers in order to finance critically important programs, such as $400 million to reduce STDs.
Now, it would appear that it was all a large-scale, carefully coordinated hoax with the President’s best bud and celebrity “Punker” Kutcher, who rocketed to stardom playing the lovable doofus “Kelso” on That ’70s Show, and cemented his street cred with the Candid Camera ripoff Punk’d and by banging Demi Moore.
This morning, as the nation stood trembling and unsure in its driveway, washing its car for the fourth time this week for lack of anything else to do since losing its job earlier this month, the President and Kutcher shared a hearty laugh and exchanged numerous fist bumps before telling the shaken nation to “Hug it out, bitch.” The trio then shared an awkward threeway hug, after which Kutcher, sporting a rakishly angled mesh “trucker’s cap” and President Obama departed in a large black SUV, loud hip-hop music blaring through the quiet suburb.
Later, at a press conference, the President made several somewhat confusing statements while a cigarette dangled from his lips, attempting to explain the elaborate and costly prank. “A smidgen of good news and suddenly everything is doing great. A little bit of bad news and ooohh, we’re down on the dumps.”
The “ooohh” was accompanied by the President waving his hands about his head and ducking in an apparent attempt to simulate ghosts hovering overhead.
The famously Lincoln-esque orater followed that with an extremly nuanced statement, saying, “I don’t think things are ever as good as they say, or ever as bad as they say. Things two years ago were not as good as we thought because there were a lot of underlying weaknesses in the economy. They’re not as bad as we think they are now.”
He concluded by offering, “And I am obviously an object of this constantly varying assessment. I am the object in chief of this varying assessment.”
White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs later attributed the President’s insane ramblings to a combination of a Harvard education, a faulty teleprompter and copious amounts of primo weed smoked with Kutcher before beginning the press event.
Michelle Malkin – “Laughingstock: President Doom does a 180, cancels fear-mongering”
VDH in the Corner – “From Catastrophe to Not so Bad?”
Dan Spencer at RedState – “Obama channels McCain”
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